So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
