Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
