There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
