people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
thus making me awesome and them whores
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The beer is more important than you right now.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
