If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
