and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
