Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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