The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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