____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just gift wrapped bread.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
