Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Randomize
