The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
