good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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