hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
