I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
