she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
