So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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