I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
