My underwear smells like fireworks.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
