I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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