Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
