I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
