I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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