Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
