you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Two words: blizzard sex
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
