I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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