Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
