Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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