He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
