Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
