I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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