pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
