Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
