Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
