I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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