A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
