the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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