Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
