i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
