It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
