Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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