shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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