just survived the first fart of the relationship.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
