Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
