He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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