Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
