Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
