I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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