at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
