Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
