you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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